Last night i laid in bed. Crying and talking to God. He brought to my mind 3 good men who have loved me as a woman should be loved. I had never thought of their friendships in those terms. Only now that i am separated from my husband and alone.

Chinh was my best friend in high school. Sergio in college and Kevin after my salvation. Dont get me wrong i had girlfriends but these men were also very good friends.  They all had one thing in common, they loved hanging out with me. 

Years later i have realized that the way they loved me in friendship is how i want to be loved in marriage. Anytime i called any of them, they were available to talk or to go out and do anything with me.

I was not as great a friend to them, but I am comforted because i know these guys are going to be amazing husbands. Always listening, ready to have a conversation and give of their time freely.

It gives me hope to know that if 3 good men loved me like that, then maybe one day i will meet another man like that who i can marry.  And hopefully by then i won’t be such a fool.

All my belongings are now at my new place.  I live in a labyrinth of empty boxes and boxes that have been improperly packed. I moved all weekend long and now it’s done.

The thing I wanted so bad is now done and I feel like someone should just come into my apartment and shoot me in the head.

I  believe whole-heartedly that I would rather be alone than with someone who is incapable of truly loving me. 

But I am a criminal, a thief, an adulterer and an oath-breaker.Therefore dying is a much better destiny than living out this new path I have carved out for myself.  I know divorce is wrong. I know it’s a sin. I know I am hurting many people with my decision. 

But it is also wrong to stay with a man who cannot possibly see that I may actually be a valuable woman who needs all his life and love.

I’m not going to kill myself but I wish someone else would do me the favor of killing the pain.  I feel like a dog who got his leg shot and is limping around, bleeding as he walks.  I hope tomorrow’s dinner menu is a little more appetizing.

Tonight is my last night at our place.  He went out of town so he is not here during the move-out. That was the right thing to do but it is very difficult knowing that after tonight I don’t live here anymore. ‘We’ don’t live here anymore.

Today I met a friend to talk and her compassion made me see I am acting a lot braver than I am . I am afraid.  Afraid of being ‘out there’ alone.

When I felt overwhelmed with the task of packing up the things I want from the apartment and realizing he is not sleeping here tonight, I headed out to the balcony for a cigarette. Yes. I am smoking. 

On the floor there were the 3 citronella candles I bought last summer when I was ‘beautifying’ our balcony so ‘we’ could spend more time out there. Now, they are like old marriage relics. Should I take them? Will he think, “Why did she take those crummy candles?”  If I leave them is that rude? He didn’t want to buy them because he didn’t spend time on the balcony so if I leave them am I just leaving trash for him to clean up?

What a sad predicament. I walked through his closet and tried to smell his clothes one last time. His wedding ring was in our ring holder.

I don’t know what to do about our wedding pictures. I am walking through the apartment thinking, “Should I take this or should I leave that?”

I feel so lost. But I have to force myself to remember why I have made this decision. I just refuse to continue believing that he may one day love me the way I want to be loved.