The day had gone; alone and weak

I groped my way within a bleak and sunless land.

The path that led to light I could not find!  {my despair and depression}

In that dark night God took my hand.  {and spoke, “Do not despair, there is always hope”}

He led me that I might not stray,   {into adultery and worser fates}

And brought me by a safe, new way I had not known.   {God protected me and comforted me through a less than ideal choice}

By waters still, through pastures green I followed Him–the path was clean of briar and stone.

The heavy darkness lost its strength,  {I am not lonely}

My waiting eyes beheld at length the streaking dawn.   {my husband is fighting for me}

On, safely on, through sunrise glow  {i am walking in the light of His grace}

I walked, my hand in His, and lo,    {i am trusting slowly but surely}

The night had gone.  {almost there, not quite}

These are not my words. But this is my God.   -Poem taken from Streams in the Desert by Annie Porter Johnson 

I had a vision tonight of God joining two entities with His hands.  The future is still unclear for us.  But God is on the move. And He is fighting for us.  God will do a new thing, a wonderful, unimaginable new thing only He is able to do and many will be blessed.

Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expected them to. Such is the case of my separation.  I did expect loneliness and depression.  I have experienced some of those two things, but only slightly.

These two weeks have been so blessed and happy all because of God’s love and grace towards me. I feel His supernatural “Princess” treatment. I have a growing suspicion that my loved ones’ prayers have availed much.

I heard/read somewhere that God’s love is with us even when we don’t feel it. In times like this it is difficult to believe and to trust but what I am experiencing now is the actual feeling loved by God.

I have never been so happy on my ‘own’. I have never believed I was valuable as I am learning to believe now. I was saved 5 years ago but I feel that I am just now starting to believe that I am a child of God. I have lived in fear and condemnation too long. I am taking my first steps as a confident daughter of God.

I visited a new church today and loved it. It is diverse and the message really hit home, if you would like to hear it visit www.shorelineonline.com

Here is a list of some of the most memorable things the pastor said:

• humanly speaking, we CANNOT live the christian life
• right believing produces right living Rom 1:5
• our ability to live the christian life is dependent on our relationship with God
• Jesus’ death is our death too 2 Cor 5:17
• though you may feel like the ‘old man’ if you are born again, that old man is DEAD
• our flesh is our constant companion
• after salvation the very core of who you are is DIFFERENT, regardless of how you may feel or act
• you may do the same old things after salvation but inside you are WRECKED afterwards
• the desires of the flesh will NEVER go away
• it’s not about ‘cleaning up’ your flesh but about renewing your mind
• we are no longer who we were.(period)

If you followed my crazy notes, you can see why i loved the sermon.  I have spent the past 5 years of my life knelt down in the Cemetery of Sinners, clawing at the dirt to dig up the nasty old corpse i once was.

I have always struggled with self-confidence but once i was saved i had a huge burden of shame i carried on my back because of my sins. It permeated every thought and decision I made. I wanted to dig up my corpse and dance around with it!? I believe that my marriage was doomed from the beginning largely due to my own stinkin’ thinkin’.

I am beginning a long path of ‘Christ-discovery’ within my own soul. I have done nothing to deserve God’s protection and overwhelming blessings over the past two weeks but I receive this joyous and trying time in my life.

Last night i laid in bed. Crying and talking to God. He brought to my mind 3 good men who have loved me as a woman should be loved. I had never thought of their friendships in those terms. Only now that i am separated from my husband and alone.

Chinh was my best friend in high school. Sergio in college and Kevin after my salvation. Dont get me wrong i had girlfriends but these men were also very good friends.  They all had one thing in common, they loved hanging out with me. 

Years later i have realized that the way they loved me in friendship is how i want to be loved in marriage. Anytime i called any of them, they were available to talk or to go out and do anything with me.

I was not as great a friend to them, but I am comforted because i know these guys are going to be amazing husbands. Always listening, ready to have a conversation and give of their time freely.

It gives me hope to know that if 3 good men loved me like that, then maybe one day i will meet another man like that who i can marry.  And hopefully by then i won’t be such a fool.