The day had gone; alone and weak

I groped my way within a bleak and sunless land.

The path that led to light I could not find!  {my despair and depression}

In that dark night God took my hand.  {and spoke, “Do not despair, there is always hope”}

He led me that I might not stray,   {into adultery and worser fates}

And brought me by a safe, new way I had not known.   {God protected me and comforted me through a less than ideal choice}

By waters still, through pastures green I followed Him–the path was clean of briar and stone.

The heavy darkness lost its strength,  {I am not lonely}

My waiting eyes beheld at length the streaking dawn.   {my husband is fighting for me}

On, safely on, through sunrise glow  {i am walking in the light of His grace}

I walked, my hand in His, and lo,    {i am trusting slowly but surely}

The night had gone.  {almost there, not quite}

These are not my words. But this is my God.   -Poem taken from Streams in the Desert by Annie Porter Johnson 

I had a vision tonight of God joining two entities with His hands.  The future is still unclear for us.  But God is on the move. And He is fighting for us.  God will do a new thing, a wonderful, unimaginable new thing only He is able to do and many will be blessed.

Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expected them to. Such is the case of my separation.  I did expect loneliness and depression.  I have experienced some of those two things, but only slightly.

These two weeks have been so blessed and happy all because of God’s love and grace towards me. I feel His supernatural “Princess” treatment. I have a growing suspicion that my loved ones’ prayers have availed much.

I heard/read somewhere that God’s love is with us even when we don’t feel it. In times like this it is difficult to believe and to trust but what I am experiencing now is the actual feeling loved by God.

I have never been so happy on my ‘own’. I have never believed I was valuable as I am learning to believe now. I was saved 5 years ago but I feel that I am just now starting to believe that I am a child of God. I have lived in fear and condemnation too long. I am taking my first steps as a confident daughter of God.

I visited a new church today and loved it. It is diverse and the message really hit home, if you would like to hear it visit www.shorelineonline.com

Here is a list of some of the most memorable things the pastor said:

• humanly speaking, we CANNOT live the christian life
• right believing produces right living Rom 1:5
• our ability to live the christian life is dependent on our relationship with God
• Jesus’ death is our death too 2 Cor 5:17
• though you may feel like the ‘old man’ if you are born again, that old man is DEAD
• our flesh is our constant companion
• after salvation the very core of who you are is DIFFERENT, regardless of how you may feel or act
• you may do the same old things after salvation but inside you are WRECKED afterwards
• the desires of the flesh will NEVER go away
• it’s not about ‘cleaning up’ your flesh but about renewing your mind
• we are no longer who we were.(period)

If you followed my crazy notes, you can see why i loved the sermon.  I have spent the past 5 years of my life knelt down in the Cemetery of Sinners, clawing at the dirt to dig up the nasty old corpse i once was.

I have always struggled with self-confidence but once i was saved i had a huge burden of shame i carried on my back because of my sins. It permeated every thought and decision I made. I wanted to dig up my corpse and dance around with it!? I believe that my marriage was doomed from the beginning largely due to my own stinkin’ thinkin’.

I am beginning a long path of ‘Christ-discovery’ within my own soul. I have done nothing to deserve God’s protection and overwhelming blessings over the past two weeks but I receive this joyous and trying time in my life.

I feel like every Christian I know is trying to convice me to stay in my marriage. No matter what I say they think the only right answer is,”OK, you’re right. I will give him another chance.”

These are people who have never been called the devil by their spouses. These are people who don’t beg their spouses for their time.  These are people who have not had their pet guppies hurled out of the balcony in a fit of rage by their spouses.  These are people who are not consistenly denied time and affection from their spouses. These are people who are not consistently both abused and neglected by their spouses. These are people who are married to people who actually read the Bible and try to change their lives accordingly.

Worst of all he can’t even acknowledge he is abusive or negligent.  For the record, I have been verbally abusive too. Before I had given up communicating with him, I would get exasperated and call him an asshole. I didn’t have the self-control to keep it in or the piety to ask God to keep it to myself.

Asshole is an ugly word for selfish jerk, which he is. But after awhile, after a very long tired while, ‘you are such a jerk’ lost its zing! for me.

About the bitch thing: It’s not that he called me a bitch. I can be very bitchy-witchy at times, especially when I am doggone tired of asking for time, attention and affection from the only man I am supposed to get that from only to have him look at me with a, “Do I have to kiss my sister?”, look.   What really boils my pot is that he actually says he only called me a bitch because I called him an asshole first.  (!)

He blames my being a bitch for his lack of ‘motivation’ to change his ways and love me. It infuriates him that I wanted to be treated like a princess. What women wants to be treated like anything else?  It’s hard to treat a wonderful woman like a princess when you’re such a Royal Jerk.

Here is a quote from a book I am reading:

Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen.  from  It’s Called a Break-Up because it’s Broken

How can he fight with fierce determination for someone worth so little? Marrying me was never the best thing that ever happened to him. He was doing me a favor marrying me, what with all my financial troubles and debt and insecurities. So, he has treated me like his oaf ever since.

Christian friends out there, I appreciate your listening ear but please stop citing all the Biblical reasons why I should stay.

I am wrong for leaving but I am right for expecting love and respect from the man I married.  I am wrong for reacting poorly to his lack of love but I am right for getting away from a relationship that tears me down every day.

We don’t have to earn grace from God, I know. But from now on, people who are abusive to me will have to earn the right for a 2nd chance.

Read my lips, no more chances.