The day had gone; alone and weak

I groped my way within a bleak and sunless land.

The path that led to light I could not find!  {my despair and depression}

In that dark night God took my hand.  {and spoke, “Do not despair, there is always hope”}

He led me that I might not stray,   {into adultery and worser fates}

And brought me by a safe, new way I had not known.   {God protected me and comforted me through a less than ideal choice}

By waters still, through pastures green I followed Him–the path was clean of briar and stone.

The heavy darkness lost its strength,  {I am not lonely}

My waiting eyes beheld at length the streaking dawn.   {my husband is fighting for me}

On, safely on, through sunrise glow  {i am walking in the light of His grace}

I walked, my hand in His, and lo,    {i am trusting slowly but surely}

The night had gone.  {almost there, not quite}

These are not my words. But this is my God.   -Poem taken from Streams in the Desert by Annie Porter Johnson 

I had a vision tonight of God joining two entities with His hands.  The future is still unclear for us.  But God is on the move. And He is fighting for us.  God will do a new thing, a wonderful, unimaginable new thing only He is able to do and many will be blessed.

Last night i laid in bed. Crying and talking to God. He brought to my mind 3 good men who have loved me as a woman should be loved. I had never thought of their friendships in those terms. Only now that i am separated from my husband and alone.

Chinh was my best friend in high school. Sergio in college and Kevin after my salvation. Dont get me wrong i had girlfriends but these men were also very good friends.  They all had one thing in common, they loved hanging out with me. 

Years later i have realized that the way they loved me in friendship is how i want to be loved in marriage. Anytime i called any of them, they were available to talk or to go out and do anything with me.

I was not as great a friend to them, but I am comforted because i know these guys are going to be amazing husbands. Always listening, ready to have a conversation and give of their time freely.

It gives me hope to know that if 3 good men loved me like that, then maybe one day i will meet another man like that who i can marry.  And hopefully by then i won’t be such a fool.

All my belongings are now at my new place.  I live in a labyrinth of empty boxes and boxes that have been improperly packed. I moved all weekend long and now it’s done.

The thing I wanted so bad is now done and I feel like someone should just come into my apartment and shoot me in the head.

I  believe whole-heartedly that I would rather be alone than with someone who is incapable of truly loving me. 

But I am a criminal, a thief, an adulterer and an oath-breaker.Therefore dying is a much better destiny than living out this new path I have carved out for myself.  I know divorce is wrong. I know it’s a sin. I know I am hurting many people with my decision. 

But it is also wrong to stay with a man who cannot possibly see that I may actually be a valuable woman who needs all his life and love.

I’m not going to kill myself but I wish someone else would do me the favor of killing the pain.  I feel like a dog who got his leg shot and is limping around, bleeding as he walks.  I hope tomorrow’s dinner menu is a little more appetizing.