I have anger issues, just ask my husband.  At work with my students you would never guess it. I am the happiest, smiliest teacher on campus. But if you piss me off enough I can turn into a very ugly rageaholic.

I throw remotes, phones, pillows, books, anything that is nearby.  I have recently been strongly convicted that this is not acceptable living.  Being 11 weeks pregnant also helps with that decision.

I always feel bad after an anger attack, but next time I get angry the urge to throw and break something and scream bloody murder is right there waiting to consume me. I described it to my mom as feeling a flame at my feet and coursing through my body all the way to my head.  How can you stop a burning flame? I don’t know but I better find out because this curse isn’t one I want my precious little Eli to inherit.

I was talking about this with my husband and I was explaining to him that if I don’t get angry than how will I protect myself from someone else’s wrath?  I was reminded of my childhood and the anger that was sown from witnessing my dad’s violence…and I realized that I took anger on as my friend since childhood believing the lie that It would protect me from the abuse I was powerless to stop. 

It is a lie that Anger protects me from abuse. I type this for my own benefit, I don’t quite believe it but I know it’s true. I have lived believing, “If you upset me, I will get so angry and lash out at you before you can get a lick on me.”  But many times I end up as the abuser or the escalator of the conflict.

I still think I need to retain some level of self-protection because you should never allow someone to treat you in such a way that you feel abused, but you should also never be the abuser. And that’s the part that I have lived ignorant of for a very long time.

How? How do I break-up with my destructive Friendnemy? How do normal people react to unfairness and injustice? Anybody?

I feel like every Christian I know is trying to convice me to stay in my marriage. No matter what I say they think the only right answer is,”OK, you’re right. I will give him another chance.”

These are people who have never been called the devil by their spouses. These are people who don’t beg their spouses for their time.  These are people who have not had their pet guppies hurled out of the balcony in a fit of rage by their spouses.  These are people who are not consistenly denied time and affection from their spouses. These are people who are not consistently both abused and neglected by their spouses. These are people who are married to people who actually read the Bible and try to change their lives accordingly.

Worst of all he can’t even acknowledge he is abusive or negligent.  For the record, I have been verbally abusive too. Before I had given up communicating with him, I would get exasperated and call him an asshole. I didn’t have the self-control to keep it in or the piety to ask God to keep it to myself.

Asshole is an ugly word for selfish jerk, which he is. But after awhile, after a very long tired while, ‘you are such a jerk’ lost its zing! for me.

About the bitch thing: It’s not that he called me a bitch. I can be very bitchy-witchy at times, especially when I am doggone tired of asking for time, attention and affection from the only man I am supposed to get that from only to have him look at me with a, “Do I have to kiss my sister?”, look.   What really boils my pot is that he actually says he only called me a bitch because I called him an asshole first.  (!)

He blames my being a bitch for his lack of ‘motivation’ to change his ways and love me. It infuriates him that I wanted to be treated like a princess. What women wants to be treated like anything else?  It’s hard to treat a wonderful woman like a princess when you’re such a Royal Jerk.

Here is a quote from a book I am reading:

Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen.  from  It’s Called a Break-Up because it’s Broken

How can he fight with fierce determination for someone worth so little? Marrying me was never the best thing that ever happened to him. He was doing me a favor marrying me, what with all my financial troubles and debt and insecurities. So, he has treated me like his oaf ever since.

Christian friends out there, I appreciate your listening ear but please stop citing all the Biblical reasons why I should stay.

I am wrong for leaving but I am right for expecting love and respect from the man I married.  I am wrong for reacting poorly to his lack of love but I am right for getting away from a relationship that tears me down every day.

We don’t have to earn grace from God, I know. But from now on, people who are abusive to me will have to earn the right for a 2nd chance.

Read my lips, no more chances.

I can, with all sincerity say, today has been the worst day of my life.

Why you ask? I have been a professional boxer (losing) for a day. My very soon to be ex-husband and I traded blows all day… by email of course.

We are fighting over money. He’s a banker. We have a joint account. Oh! not anymore! He has denied me access to ‘our’ funds. I get paid this week but will I be able to access these funds to move out of the hostile hotel our home has become? No.

I cannot so much as print out a statement of ‘our’ accounts because since he is an employee of the bank he has untold and magical powers over ‘our’ money. He has the audacity to defend his greed by saying, he will need ‘every penny’ to cover the mortgage and other costs ‘we’ incurred. Don’t you work? Where the hell does your income go? I wonder.

It doesn’t matter to his little green greedy fingers because he must hold on to the only thing that is real to him….to quote Alvin the Chipmunk, “MONEY!”

OK so I withdrew the max amount of cash without telling him. That wasn’t ideal. However, would he have given me the cash i needed to move out had i asked him? Hell no. Greedy green fingers remember?

WOW. He has never read my blog as much as this past week. Before, I would nag, “Have you read my blog today?”  To which he would lazily reply, “Uh, I didn’t get a chance.”

And now he can’t get enough! He’s even sending my blog to people at church.  Wow, you are letting people at church know why I am actually leaving you. You’re smart.

He’s even printing my blog posts out! Must be my writing skills right? He wouldn’t try to use my blog posts against me in a court of law now would he? What does he think the judge will say…”Uh, says here you never loved her like she wanted to be loved…says here this woman is searching everywhere for reasons not to leave your sorry ass..what the hell am I looking at this for Counsel?”

OK. I’m angry and I’m ranting. But thank God I am alive. Because there were moments today where i thought, surely my heart is going to stop. Surely i will die of this. Surely my stomach will make so many knots it will stop working. Surely i can never eat again.

Thank God for moms and sisters.

Unlike my husband i try to be self-reflective on what an idiot i am many times. It’s too bad no one ever told him to his face that he too is fundamentally flawed.

We have both had to own up today. He has had to own up to the fact that this is all his fault. Believe me, these are not my words.

And I have had to own up to the fact that this marriage is ending because I am ending it. That yes, while I was not loved by him the way I needed or wanted it still does not justify my seeking divorce.

I think today he learned that God did make men to fight for women and God made women to want men to fight for them. He didn’t take my word for it. He never did take my word for much.

I have to face God for my stupidity and my choice to abandon this crap marriage we built. But thank God that now he knows that he has to man up to his end of the stick too.

He has been warned that if he doesn’t fight for me, he will lose me forever. I don’t think he gives two shits. Somebody. Prove. Me. Wrong. I won’t hold my breath.