I have anger issues, just ask my husband.  At work with my students you would never guess it. I am the happiest, smiliest teacher on campus. But if you piss me off enough I can turn into a very ugly rageaholic.

I throw remotes, phones, pillows, books, anything that is nearby.  I have recently been strongly convicted that this is not acceptable living.  Being 11 weeks pregnant also helps with that decision.

I always feel bad after an anger attack, but next time I get angry the urge to throw and break something and scream bloody murder is right there waiting to consume me. I described it to my mom as feeling a flame at my feet and coursing through my body all the way to my head.  How can you stop a burning flame? I don’t know but I better find out because this curse isn’t one I want my precious little Eli to inherit.

I was talking about this with my husband and I was explaining to him that if I don’t get angry than how will I protect myself from someone else’s wrath?  I was reminded of my childhood and the anger that was sown from witnessing my dad’s violence…and I realized that I took anger on as my friend since childhood believing the lie that It would protect me from the abuse I was powerless to stop. 

It is a lie that Anger protects me from abuse. I type this for my own benefit, I don’t quite believe it but I know it’s true. I have lived believing, “If you upset me, I will get so angry and lash out at you before you can get a lick on me.”  But many times I end up as the abuser or the escalator of the conflict.

I still think I need to retain some level of self-protection because you should never allow someone to treat you in such a way that you feel abused, but you should also never be the abuser. And that’s the part that I have lived ignorant of for a very long time.

How? How do I break-up with my destructive Friendnemy? How do normal people react to unfairness and injustice? Anybody?