Tonight is my last night at our place.  He went out of town so he is not here during the move-out. That was the right thing to do but it is very difficult knowing that after tonight I don’t live here anymore. ‘We’ don’t live here anymore.

Today I met a friend to talk and her compassion made me see I am acting a lot braver than I am . I am afraid.  Afraid of being ‘out there’ alone.

When I felt overwhelmed with the task of packing up the things I want from the apartment and realizing he is not sleeping here tonight, I headed out to the balcony for a cigarette. Yes. I am smoking. 

On the floor there were the 3 citronella candles I bought last summer when I was ‘beautifying’ our balcony so ‘we’ could spend more time out there. Now, they are like old marriage relics. Should I take them? Will he think, “Why did she take those crummy candles?”  If I leave them is that rude? He didn’t want to buy them because he didn’t spend time on the balcony so if I leave them am I just leaving trash for him to clean up?

What a sad predicament. I walked through his closet and tried to smell his clothes one last time. His wedding ring was in our ring holder.

I don’t know what to do about our wedding pictures. I am walking through the apartment thinking, “Should I take this or should I leave that?”

I feel so lost. But I have to force myself to remember why I have made this decision. I just refuse to continue believing that he may one day love me the way I want to be loved.