I can, with all sincerity say, today has been the worst day of my life.

Why you ask? I have been a professional boxer (losing) for a day. My very soon to be ex-husband and I traded blows all day… by email of course.

We are fighting over money. He’s a banker. We have a joint account. Oh! not anymore! He has denied me access to ‘our’ funds. I get paid this week but will I be able to access these funds to move out of the hostile hotel our home has become? No.

I cannot so much as print out a statement of ‘our’ accounts because since he is an employee of the bank he has untold and magical powers over ‘our’ money. He has the audacity to defend his greed by saying, he will need ‘every penny’ to cover the mortgage and other costs ‘we’ incurred. Don’t you work? Where the hell does your income go? I wonder.

It doesn’t matter to his little green greedy fingers because he must hold on to the only thing that is real to him….to quote Alvin the Chipmunk, “MONEY!”

OK so I withdrew the max amount of cash without telling him. That wasn’t ideal. However, would he have given me the cash i needed to move out had i asked him? Hell no. Greedy green fingers remember?

WOW. He has never read my blog as much as this past week. Before, I would nag, “Have you read my blog today?”  To which he would lazily reply, “Uh, I didn’t get a chance.”

And now he can’t get enough! He’s even sending my blog to people at church.  Wow, you are letting people at church know why I am actually leaving you. You’re smart.

He’s even printing my blog posts out! Must be my writing skills right? He wouldn’t try to use my blog posts against me in a court of law now would he? What does he think the judge will say…”Uh, says here you never loved her like she wanted to be loved…says here this woman is searching everywhere for reasons not to leave your sorry ass..what the hell am I looking at this for Counsel?”

OK. I’m angry and I’m ranting. But thank God I am alive. Because there were moments today where i thought, surely my heart is going to stop. Surely i will die of this. Surely my stomach will make so many knots it will stop working. Surely i can never eat again.

Thank God for moms and sisters.

Unlike my husband i try to be self-reflective on what an idiot i am many times. It’s too bad no one ever told him to his face that he too is fundamentally flawed.

We have both had to own up today. He has had to own up to the fact that this is all his fault. Believe me, these are not my words.

And I have had to own up to the fact that this marriage is ending because I am ending it. That yes, while I was not loved by him the way I needed or wanted it still does not justify my seeking divorce.

I think today he learned that God did make men to fight for women and God made women to want men to fight for them. He didn’t take my word for it. He never did take my word for much.

I have to face God for my stupidity and my choice to abandon this crap marriage we built. But thank God that now he knows that he has to man up to his end of the stick too.

He has been warned that if he doesn’t fight for me, he will lose me forever. I don’t think he gives two shits. Somebody. Prove. Me. Wrong. I won’t hold my breath.