Most people my age probably don’t know who Ray Coniff is and I actually don’t know anything about him either.  Except that for me Ray Coniff is like an old friend that when I hear his voice (rather, the voice of his singers) I feel like I am in a very warm and cozy place.

As a kid when my dad brought home a Christmas Ray Coniff audio cassette one day I first thought it was boring. But my dad seemed to really enjoy listening to it so I heard it a lot.

Pretty soon when my dad wasn’t home I would pop it into our cassette player and loved listening to all the traditional Christmas songs by Coniff’s choir. When my dad found out I liked his tape he seemed pleased and we would listen to it together. I remember he asked if I had a favorite one (it was Silver Bells) and he would fast forward to it.  Ahh…life before iPods and CDs.

I feel like I had a terrible father, however. There are some things I hold fast to and when I trace back the root, I realize it’s because my dad loved those things. 

As a child I was constantly trying to tie myself into my dad because once I hit about 9 years old, I felt like my dad had no interest or clue how to tie himself to me.

According to my marriage counselor, both my husband and I have problems with intimacy. I want it but I don’t know how to ask for it and he doesn’t know (or doesn’t want it) how to achieve it.

My dad probably doesn’t know what intimacy means.  Maybe he knows how to give people things but he doesn’t know how to give himself.

I love my dad and I don’t resent him but I do regret not being intimately acquainted with him.  The fact that a stupid Ray Coniff cassette tape meant/means so much to me is demonstrative of the immense influence parents have on their children.

There are thousands of wonderful things my father could have instilled in me and yet because of his fear or lack of desire for intimacy he did not.

And so I cling to the few things he indirectly and from a distance instilled. An impeccable work ethic, pride, a hot temper, a passion for dance, self-deprecation and of course the  Ray Coniff  singers.