I have a question. Why is it sometimes impossible to do what I love to do?  And compulsive for me to do what does me no good?  OK, that was 2 questions.

It has been 16 days since I last took my anti-dep meds.  Not because I ran out, I still have quite a few, but because I want to break free from chemical dependency.  I want to step out on a limb and trust God it doesn’t just break and leave me falling endlessly into a black hole of depression and darkness.

I credit God’s sovereignty that I have not suffered the typical Paxil withdrawal.  I’ve experienced it before, the nausea, light-headedness, headaches, fear of losing my mind, fear of never being able to live without meds, etc., when I forgot to refill my Rx for several days.  But did the Lord soften the blow of withdrawal because He knew the depression that would come rushing in afterwards???

We have all seen water scenes in movies, like Titanic or more currently, the newest Bond movie of someone in danger of drowning.   In Casino Royale, there is a scene in the end of someone (I won’t give away who) who somehow ended up in an old elevator and is locked inside of it with no way of escape.  The elevator, of course, ends up being hurled in a river or lake and the person inside is completely immersed in water and if that person doesn’t get rescued or fights ‘its’ way out, that person will drown and die.

That mental picture of water rushing in and submerging something or someone is how I feel depression has rushed into every crevasse of my mind since I kicked Paxil.  Since I stopped taking pills I have been on heightened alert anticipating, waiting, expecting the agony of withdrawal.  But instead of being physically ill, I have been emotionally, spiritually and mentally crashed!

I haven’t been praying or reading God’s word or relying on God’s spirit.  I have succumbed to the oppressiveness of fear and depression.

It has been like having a 150 lb. weight on my head.  I didn’t leave the house, didn’t shower, didn’t change, didn’t do much of anything.  I knew I should pray.  I desired peace. I wanted to write, call a friend, ask for prayer, but I was paralyzed. 

Without depression, Paul in Romans 7:15 says, “I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  I believe this is true for all of us without having to get out from under depression.  It IS a Spirit choice to pray and worship God. I don’t think it’s ever the easy thing to do.  But my question is how, HOW, on earth do I walk out of the hole when I am in it?

Thanks be to God, that Saturday we had plans to have lunch with a family we know and then I had my dear friend Kim’s birthday party, then church on Sunday.  These events helped lift me out the hole BECAUSE they all involved people opening their hearts to me and sharing their lives with me.  (and not just because they got me out of the house)

But why couldn’t I let God do that earlier in the week?  Did I need to be depressed?  Is there a lesson to glean there?  Depression isn’t just awful because I am isolated and afraid but because even though I was alone, I didn’t turn to God. Knowing what I know.  I didn’t turn to God. 

“And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.”   (Romans 7:16-17)

OK, so my depression is a sin.  Would you say an eating disorder is a sin? I would. And I met a girl last night at my (church) book club who shared her struggles about that. And wouldn’t you know it, I very closely identified with her struggles because of my own with depression.  Eating disorders and depression seem to depend on the same principles…some poor fool believing the lies of satan and coddling them into her mind until they run her mind and before you know it, you are under the care of professionals.

I know people who have no compassion for depression. “You need to seek the Lord more”, is what they say.  I know people who think less of me because I can’t just stop being depressed.  And as I type this, I type with bitterness and anger towards them. YET, I felt that way about eating disorders.  “Don’t they know they are skinny enough?”  “Can’t they just eat normal now that they are lucky enough to weigh 98 lbs.?”  Yes I am an idiot. 

I have someone very close to me that struggles with an eating disorder as well and I guess having someone I just met talk about it in a very candid way helped me see that depression and eating disorders have more than one thing in common.  They affect the weak in mind.

I don’t like thinking of depression as a sin though, because I see it as a big ugly monster that enjoys tormenting me. My hang-up with people that lack compassion towards me is, “Why do they hold this against me? Don’t they know I am being victimized here? Don’t they know it is a giant of a monster and I’m just this little tiny person that cowers under it?”  (This is beginning to feel like a David and Goliath…)  Maybe depression is my Goliath.  Maybe bulimia/anorexia is a Goliath for us, children of God, to defeat with….what exactly…?

“…The sword of the Spririt, which is the word of God…” is begining to come into my mind. But isnt’ that the cheesy, pre-packaged answer? I mean, I have tried in my past to pray God’s word against my Goliath to, hello!, no avail.  Maybe this Goliath is so clever and hateful and evil that the weapons with which to defeat him must include the sword of the Spirit, but not be limited to the sword of the Spirit….maybe we need your prayers.

Maybe I should pray for my new friend…and others who suffer from eating disorders, maybe I should ask for prayers from others, many others, for my depression.  Maybe the reason I have not defeated my Goliath and instead allow him to club me to near-death is because I have thought I would defeat him on my own.  Maybe writing a very personal blog is another weapon in my arsenal.  Wouldn’t you know it, that the girl I met last night also has a blog?

Maybe this is outright war. And I’m acting like I just have a little cold, when in reality my thoughts are covered in gangrene!  “Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (Rms. 7:20)

Maybe it’s war because Goliath knows that if I entertain him long enough maybe he can strangle me long enough for me to miss out on the abundant life Jesus has promised me.  And not to mention the fruit Jesus wants to bring forth in me, my Goliath wants me to never taste that sweet-tasting fruit Christ longs to bring forth from me.   I want that fruit.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!  (Rmns 7:21-25)

I am going to claim that.  Paul said through Jesus Christ our Lord I will be rescued. But perhaps the rescue requires that I do some fighting. I do like a good fight…

I’m going to read Ephesians 6:10-20 and blog about how to fight tomorrow. Hold me to that!