I have anger issues, just ask my husband.  At work with my students you would never guess it. I am the happiest, smiliest teacher on campus. But if you piss me off enough I can turn into a very ugly rageaholic.

I throw remotes, phones, pillows, books, anything that is nearby.  I have recently been strongly convicted that this is not acceptable living.  Being 11 weeks pregnant also helps with that decision.

I always feel bad after an anger attack, but next time I get angry the urge to throw and break something and scream bloody murder is right there waiting to consume me. I described it to my mom as feeling a flame at my feet and coursing through my body all the way to my head.  How can you stop a burning flame? I don’t know but I better find out because this curse isn’t one I want my precious little Eli to inherit.

I was talking about this with my husband and I was explaining to him that if I don’t get angry than how will I protect myself from someone else’s wrath?  I was reminded of my childhood and the anger that was sown from witnessing my dad’s violence…and I realized that I took anger on as my friend since childhood believing the lie that It would protect me from the abuse I was powerless to stop. 

It is a lie that Anger protects me from abuse. I type this for my own benefit, I don’t quite believe it but I know it’s true. I have lived believing, “If you upset me, I will get so angry and lash out at you before you can get a lick on me.”  But many times I end up as the abuser or the escalator of the conflict.

I still think I need to retain some level of self-protection because you should never allow someone to treat you in such a way that you feel abused, but you should also never be the abuser. And that’s the part that I have lived ignorant of for a very long time.

How? How do I break-up with my destructive Friendnemy? How do normal people react to unfairness and injustice? Anybody?

The day had gone; alone and weak

I groped my way within a bleak and sunless land.

The path that led to light I could not find!  {my despair and depression}

In that dark night God took my hand.  {and spoke, “Do not despair, there is always hope”}

He led me that I might not stray,   {into adultery and worser fates}

And brought me by a safe, new way I had not known.   {God protected me and comforted me through a less than ideal choice}

By waters still, through pastures green I followed Him–the path was clean of briar and stone.

The heavy darkness lost its strength,  {I am not lonely}

My waiting eyes beheld at length the streaking dawn.   {my husband is fighting for me}

On, safely on, through sunrise glow  {i am walking in the light of His grace}

I walked, my hand in His, and lo,    {i am trusting slowly but surely}

The night had gone.  {almost there, not quite}

These are not my words. But this is my God.   -Poem taken from Streams in the Desert by Annie Porter Johnson 

I had a vision tonight of God joining two entities with His hands.  The future is still unclear for us.  But God is on the move. And He is fighting for us.  God will do a new thing, a wonderful, unimaginable new thing only He is able to do and many will be blessed.

 

Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expected them to. Such is the case of my separation.  I did expect loneliness and depression.  I have experienced some of those two things, but only slightly.

These two weeks have been so blessed and happy all because of God’s love and grace towards me. I feel His supernatural “Princess” treatment. I have a growing suspicion that my loved ones’ prayers have availed much.

I heard/read somewhere that God’s love is with us even when we don’t feel it. In times like this it is difficult to believe and to trust but what I am experiencing now is the actual feeling loved by God.

I have never been so happy on my ‘own’. I have never believed I was valuable as I am learning to believe now. I was saved 5 years ago but I feel that I am just now starting to believe that I am a child of God. I have lived in fear and condemnation too long. I am taking my first steps as a confident daughter of God.

I visited a new church today and loved it. It is diverse and the message really hit home, if you would like to hear it visit www.shorelineonline.com

Here is a list of some of the most memorable things the pastor said:

• humanly speaking, we CANNOT live the christian life
• right believing produces right living Rom 1:5
• our ability to live the christian life is dependent on our relationship with God
• Jesus’ death is our death too 2 Cor 5:17
• though you may feel like the ‘old man’ if you are born again, that old man is DEAD
• our flesh is our constant companion
• after salvation the very core of who you are is DIFFERENT, regardless of how you may feel or act
• you may do the same old things after salvation but inside you are WRECKED afterwards
• the desires of the flesh will NEVER go away
• it’s not about ‘cleaning up’ your flesh but about renewing your mind
• we are no longer who we were.(period)

If you followed my crazy notes, you can see why i loved the sermon.  I have spent the past 5 years of my life knelt down in the Cemetery of Sinners, clawing at the dirt to dig up the nasty old corpse i once was.

I have always struggled with self-confidence but once i was saved i had a huge burden of shame i carried on my back because of my sins. It permeated every thought and decision I made. I wanted to dig up my corpse and dance around with it!? I believe that my marriage was doomed from the beginning largely due to my own stinkin’ thinkin’.

I am beginning a long path of ‘Christ-discovery’ within my own soul. I have done nothing to deserve God’s protection and overwhelming blessings over the past two weeks but I receive this joyous and trying time in my life.